So much for Mr. Nice Guy  

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Well I guess I'm a little fed up. I figure I must be a little irritated cause I haven't even posted here in like 5 days. So anyway, here is my situation.

For those that don't know, I was married previously. I divorced almost 15 years ago. From my first marriage I have a son, Andrew. Now Andrew is a good kid in a bad situation. From a religious standpoint (formerly Catholic), I'm a bad bad dude. It's just not something you are supposed to do. Of course if I give the church money, they would indeed annul my marriage. There are of course a ton of ramifications that come with that, so I didn't choose that road.

Regardless, I pay child support. I have been doing so for 15 years now. With the exception of a short time when I first got divorced and was struggling, I am on time, I see my son and we have a good relationship. I have 2 younger sons with my wife now, and they have a good relationship with their brother also (if that is possible between young brothers).

The whole problem started when I had my son come and live with me for a year. He was having a ton of problems with his mom and stepfather, and wanted to come live with me and see if that would clear up some of the problems. I was more than happy to accommodate, since I have wanted my boy here with me for some time. I always felt that I made a big mistake in not getting 50% physical custody back when he was little. Since I can't change the past, I was hoping that we could do a little something with the current.

I am a family focused person. My family is the world to me. My wife, kids, parents, and siblings are very important to me, and I have hopefully influenced my children in that respect. So anyway, my boy came and lived with me for a year, and while his schoolwork faltered (I'm not good at forcing school issues), his social skills flourished. He developed friendships outside of school, that he had never managed before, and was actually doing things on the weekends besides sitting in front of the TV or video games. A little background on my son, he is ADHD and bipolar. I have a tough time finding the bipolar aspects in him. After being with him day and night for a year I don't see it, but the doctor seems to think so.

So for a year I had Andrew, but they continued to take child support from me. His mother said that she would just give me the support payments as they came to her. Well this didn't happen of course, and I'm not that cold hearted (usually). I figured that times were pretty hard for her, and she would get it back to me. So I switched jobs, and the child support stopped coming out of my check. I figured that was OK, since I have my son. Guess what it's not OK. They started sending letters, and I told them that he lives with me. I was told to get a note stating that, well his mother said that she wouldn't give me a note and then she had him move back home.

So I guess it was about the money all along. So now they zapped my account to $0. I can't buy a dang hamburger if I wanted to at this point. No movie for the little ones this weekend, and no response from the ex. I find it really hard at times like this to believe in the system. Since I'm the non-custodial parent, I'm automatically the bad guy. I must be to blame. They don't want to hear what the situation is they just want you to shut up and pay them. I shudder at the thought of the government getting further into my pockets than they are now. If this is how they handle a simple misunderstanding with child support, I can only imagine how they will handle health care.

So I have made phone calls, and sent emails, and who knows maybe one person who cares a little bit will bother to look over the information and fix the problem before they turn off my phone, pg&e, cable and everything else I send a check to pay for...

They system truly sucks, but from now on I'm gonna have to just realize that the other guy or gal (still use the word gal sorry) isn't looking out for anyone but themselves, and unfortunately I will have to become that way too if I want to survive in this system....

This entry was posted at Monday, November 09, 2009 and is filed under , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


Oh man, that really sucks! It's sad but it's always about the money and the high and mighty gov. could care less about what you do with your son.

November 9, 2009 at 5:16 PM

I'm really sorry.

And I'm really pissed. This sucks for you, for your kids, and for your son.

I know that you already do it, but check out your son and please be aware of any signs of depression. If he ever isolates himself too much from the others (especially if he seems to be going out quite often right now), please reach out for him.

I'm sure you already do this; I know that you're there for him.

(Maybe I'm a little too wired on anything concerning mental health right now because I'm currently studying it, so sorry if I seem a little paranoid.)

Good luck Bendigo. I really am frustrated and I hope things will get better.


November 9, 2009 at 5:42 PM

Thanks for letting me bend your ears..I appreciate the opportunity to vent from time to time....You are right Desertson, they don't care about the child, just the money...
Sarah: just lol...I understand where you are coming from...After they "diagnosed" my son I became the mental health library for a while...As far as I can tell he is a pretty normal 17 year old kid....You know lazy and kidding he is a good kid trying to make the best of a bad situation...I give him tons of credit he is emotionally far more solid than people want to give him credit for...I'm sure things will work themselves out...just a matter of time I suppose.

November 9, 2009 at 8:28 PM

That's crazy! Bendigo, why wasn't she paying YOU child support for the past year?

You know -- my son went to live with his biological father when he was 16. I immediately told my ex to stop paying child support and asked if he wanted child support. He did not want support,and I was relieved. I would never have expected support to continue. That's not sensible!

You're right -- the system is wrong, and it makes the children feel guilty. I'm so sorry that you're going through that.

If you lived closer, I would have you and your family for dinner or something -- at least over for a beer, the kids could have popcorn and soda.

...and we haven't even touched on the whole Catholic Church standpoint...

Enter my giveaway. You could probably sell the book for a profit and then buy a nice roast (haha -- not funny, but trying to make you smile). But do enter my giveaway, seriously. Your wife would really like the book.

November 9, 2009 at 10:07 PM guys are great..and thank you jan...I did indeed smile...I know this will work itself out...I don't doubt it for a second. just a little disappointed that it would come to this..I'll tip a beer and think of you guys though..

Thanks for the good thoughts :)

November 9, 2009 at 10:37 PM

I really hate to say this and step on toes but you really get screwed when divorcing if you are the man in most states. I have heard countless stories of this type of thing happening where child support payments mandated by the government are being abused and the like.

Or take the reverse for example. My wife was married to someone who pretty much sucked her dry. He never worked but yet had savings. She tried nailing him for running up her credit cards and sending her to bankruptcy, but the court saw otherwise.

It's always about the person who shoulders the "burden" so to speak. In your case, it's your ex who shoulders being a single mom at home (15 yrs ago) with your son. It's crazy. It pisses me off so much how much alimony and child support goes out the door.

I have at least one friend who's in the same situation and it's so damn sticky I wouldn't wish this type of thing on my worst enemy.

I know none of this probably helps, but I hope and pray for the best for you and your family.


November 10, 2009 at 5:15 AM

Thank Ian, I'm glad other people are seeing it the same way I do...VALIDATION!!!!

November 10, 2009 at 10:54 AM

Needless to say, you got stiffed on the support issue, and it affects your family financial situation. But you will recover from it. The one that really suffers from the tossing overboard for cash, is the child. That can leave lasting scars. I know. And, being well familar with ADHD & bi-polar children, let me add one word of advice..... watch closely to ensure the child takes his prescriptions. Don't trust him to do it on his own. One of the most difficult hurdles of bi-polar children is that they simply do not like being "level"... they like the highs of bi-polarity, and they have a hugely difficult time in maintaining the self dicipline necessary to medicate themselves. Especially during the teen-age years.

Hang in there. All things come to pass.

December 6, 2009 at 2:58 PM

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